*

we are not living in the world.
we are living in a map of the world. a world has been mapped for us. we are given the map as if it did not cover up something, as if there was nothing more. there was the world huge and vast and something that could only be brought to order, vaguely approximated for us to understand it. so we have a map.

*

Yes, you can think in binaries. but know that both are true. both are lying. become okay with this and you may exist within them and then one day you die and do not exist at all.

be happy right now.

*

**

lets try to summarize.

we are on this rock, with our small window of the universe and our rock’s pattern of movement predicating our general actions and motivations and moods. this pattern and the placement of the rock we’re on within the universe and a whole bunch of other crazy tiny things, like bits you can’t see or feel are happening all together. and because of this, we are alive. struggling to find meaning in the world. crying all the fucking time. trying not to cry. holding it in. holding it together. trying to hold it together.

you see what i mean? everything is fucking horrible and everything is so fucking amazing you can’t even imagine it.

you aren’t drinking enough water, i just know it.

*

so people. us. we. human beings. living here on this rock. feeling the change of the seasons, the pull of the tides. the water in its various forms. feeling all this every day for our whole lives until we die and don’t feel it anymore.

you know, sometimes it feels like we’re all already dead. do you ever feel that? like you’re dead already? like you have died. you are a ghost. you don’t feel the water inside you, the air around you. doesn’t it feel like you haven’t seen the sun in days? doesn’t it feel, sometimes, like you’ve never even really felt the sun at all.

and how many times a day do you realize you are breathing?

*******

sometimes holding a conch shell to our ear is the closest we get to noticing our heartbeat and when it happens we mistake it for the sea.

sometimes we forget we are alive.

****

so, the contents of this rock create change, beget change, if you will. with varying states of water and climate, the contents of the rock force and are forced into change.

this change is awesome. this change is hard and painful.

this is a slow change. this is an infinite amount of changes occurring infinitely.

things just seem to work here, for some reason. for some reason we have plants and we have animals. the plants make something that the animals need to live and the animals make something that the plants need. how fucking coincidentally awesome is that. so necessary, wow. think about that or don’t think about it. you probably aren’t really understanding how amazing this is. thats ok (its not really ok).

*
those moments of helpless clarity

sometimes in life there are small, brief moments of helpless clarity when we maybe stop for a second and realize:

our every day actions change the trajectory of humanity.

but what can you do with heavy thoughts inside of a small cage? i hope you have cried today. its ok. i love you.

***
said it before and i’ll say it again

weed. based. economy.
*

picture:

a child crying at their birthday party, because they didn’t get the present they wanted, because the cake was chocolate and not vanilla, because a balloon loudly popped, because not enough of the cool kids showed up, because their father is dead and they just learned that no matter how many birthday cake candle wishes they reserve for wishing he would be alive, it is impossible.

every single reason is okay to cry about.

***

sorry where were we?

Right,

Now I’m going to say something else that you are also going to ignore. its going to be VERY important. but you aren’t going to be amazed or moved or surprised. because its ‘obvious’, because you ‘already know this’, here it goes.

stop ignoring children.
they are and always will be more important than you.

are you surprised? you don’t seem surprised. God do you remember being a child? a varied blend of insignificance and confusion, curiosity and vulnerability. Children are important. Like wow. They are tiny half formed humans. They are potential and growth and contain limitless possibilities. Here are some song lyrics to back up my argument:

“teach your children well” - crosby stills nash & young
“I believe the children are our future” - whitney Houston

SIDENOTE:

If this all sounds ridiculous or not important or anything other than very true and very important, let me just remind you that the mere fact i can use popular culture, i can use commodified song lyrics that were written with the express primary purpose of making a profit, yielding greater return than invested - that i can use these lyrics to prove a point, is frankly, alarming.

you are right to be afraid.

the world is completely fucked up.

the fact that popular culture like this contains truth. that there is truth being presented in a way that many people know, in a ubiquitous way. but that the truth is secondary, maybe not even a personal truth. but used for a very hollow primary purpose. used to gain capital. popularity. wealth. status. power.

if the media is telling us any truth at all
they don’t believe in it themselves

and so we can’t either.

we just can’t be expected (are intentionally not expected) to take the pleas of crosby stills nash and young seriously when we know crosby stills nash and young is looking out for crosby stills nash and young, not the children. crosby stills nash and young are getting paid.

we can consume and understand the truth within whitney houston’s statements but ultimately cast the notion’s importance aside via the capitalistic medium (and intention) that produced it

***

of course we are lonely, the planet is lonely. every night we have to look up in the sky and see things we will never touch or know or reach. that is lonely.

*

***

Josh arrives in california

he is wary

it is dry

he gets off of a bus or out of a car or some vehicle that uses gasoline that has driven him to this point. it is the eighth of august two thousand sixteen and he is walking the rest of the way up to this monastery thing.

it’s up a mountain and it’s pretty chill one of josh’s friends had said to josh. josh is thinking about this as he walks up the mountain. he wants to feel pretty chill. the world is ending.

along the way he sees pine trees and a somewhat barren landscape that is both alpine and desert. it is alive but just barely and very rustic and josh does believe it will be chill.

after about fifteen minutes at a steady incline the landscape begins to lose meaning. it becomes colors of muted greens and dark greens and ochres and beiges of several kinds and rectangles and triangles and thousands of pixels of shapes and colors.

Josh stops to smoke a pre rolled weed cigarette he has been keeping in a tin in his backpack as he sits under the dry shade of a large coniferous tree adjacent to the road he is following.

he resumes his walk up the steady incline towards the monastery on the mountain.

this seems chill he thinks
and now

wow those trees are beautiful

***

The cursory readings are unnecessary. He knew. He knows. Key phrases and their outputs - quarterly, biannually, annually, biennially, quinquennially, centennially, decennially, quadranscentennially. The data did not have to go back that far.

Boy it sure is beautiful outside.

The trends have always been present, and consistent, and exponentially increasing. Certain keystone shareholders preventing the implementation of recommended practice policies, or rather, recommended practice policies have been implemented by certain keystone shareholders. Local and global food generation statistics. Freshwater supplies. Transportation costs. Material repository and/or golf course zoning statuses.

Between setting the dynamite, lighting the fuse and hiding from the explosion, at what point did you destroy something. Was it you who actually destroyed it. How culpable in the destruction is the inventor of dynamite. The worker who built the dynamite, the worker who built the machine that built the dynamite. Is it destruction if your intention is creation. if the explosion creates a mine, creates a tunnel.

He knew. And he knew that everyone knew.

Today can still be a good day.

*******

a sociological paper, written by karl marx

called utopia realized: a speculative study on the route to sustainable and equitable social harmony

this was found in a drawer.

it had been eaten and piss stained by mice. but here was his solution. Very clearly, he wrote about the future, our past, present, maybe what was coming. in light of everything going on, it was actually soothing. news of this was soothing. to know someone knew, someone saw this coming. they saw past whatever was happening to us right now.

***

THIS CHAPTER IS ABOUT: PATTERNS

The concept of everything being everything else doesn’t just sound beautiful, its also freakishly true. Everything is a pattern. We are the result of patterns and chain reactions. If the fact that everyone has generally more or less ten fingers and ten toes and two arms and two legs is so blatantly obvious a pattern as to be ignored completely, it might help you to study the plants a while longer the next time you are outside.

Notice how the veins in the leaf of the tree look eerily similar to the branches and how the branches look eerily similar to the roots. Now look at the veins in your hands.

Everything has a pattern. Try very hard to look for it.

The following is a brief list of examples of where these patterns can be found:

• river networks
  
• fault lines
  
• mountain ranges
  
• craters
  
• lightning bolts
  
• coastlines
  
• mountain goat horns
  
• trees
  
• animal coloration
  
• romanesco broccoli
  
• pinapples
  
• heart rates
  
• heartbeats
  
• earthquakes
  
• snowflakes
  
• psychological perception
  
• crystals
  
• blood vessels
  
• ocean waves
  
• DNA
  
• soil pores
  
• rings of saturn
  
  

they are everywhere
*

sometimes. when i look outside, into nature. i see only the patterns that nature makes.

its sometimes so difficult to process the world for how it is, for how each thing is so unique, how can this uniqueness exist. how does this go on like this. how can there be so many flowers. how can there be so many winged insects. any wings at all.

but each thing has a pattern so similar to the next. we may not be able to process everything for how it is, but we can understand the simple additive motion of how it has become.

and its all a variation of the same thing.

***

A STEP BACK: NATURE AND THE ELEMENTS HOW WE OVERLOOK THE STARS AND ALL THE REST OF IT: AN INFORMAL REVIEW

so there are four season we go through, winter spring summer fall

four elements we need for survival, earth air water and fire

no this isn’t everything, don’t say oh there’s more, yeah i know there’s more, there’s always more.

but this is the least we have and need. the very fucking least. we have these things and we need them. the seasonal changes and shifts. the coincidental necessity and availability of the elements to create life in myriad forms.

so it just so happens we have these things. absolutely ridiculous chances of this happening if you ask me.

i mean my god, the moon, have we talked about the moon yet?? the sun? have we gotten to the sun?

there is so much to get too i’m afraid we won’t have time for it all.

**

life is oscillations
concentric circles
spirals
infinity signs
loops
you spend your life in cycles
of cells
of relationships
of moods

you spend your life escaping and entering
you spend your life in a state of change
that is itself a paradox

the state is change, the change is consistent
have you ever watched a wave move before
its like that
the crest of the wave
the way something can be carried
the way it carries itself
consistently changing
somehow cohesive in shape
in direction
in form
but
the wave is not the water
the water is constantly changing
inside the wave
the water
the same water
becomes the next wave
the wave moves through the water
it is a constant state of change
it is a constant

we build lives in order to begin new lives

that is the hope
that is the goal

that is the ideal

we build our lives hopefully in order to trade them in for new lives
we build ourselves whole
and then (ideally)
we find someone who has also built themselves whole (ideally)
who loves the whole we have built as perfectly as possible
and then
it is dissolved away.
we begin a new life with someone, we begin a relationship

again we start to work on our life together in order to trade it in for a new life
we work on bringing both halves of each other
we have somehow found together into a whole
we build security for ourselves, we build functionality (ideally)
we build ourselves as tightly together as possible (ideally)
as perfectly as possible
and then
it is dissolved away.
we begin a new life together, with a child

this is the best. case. scenario.

this child will watch us die.
hopefully.

you are building something and it is always changing and it is almost already gone and this is life.

this is the goal
to build something as well as it can be built
so it is ready to be destroyed as it becomes something else

this is the ideal
and nothing in reality is ever the ideal.

*

NOBODY KNOWS HOW A BUTTERFLY WORKS
NOBODY KNOWS HOW IT DISSOLVES ITSELF
HOW IT REMEMBERS TO BECOME SOMETHING INSTINCTIVELY
THAT IS HAS NEVER BEEN BEFORE
NOBODY KNOWS HOW IT CAN DESTROY ITSELF
WITH SUCH PRECISION AS TO BECOME SOMETHING
THAT CAN FLY AWAY

*

NOBODY KNOWS HOW A BUTTERFLY WORKS BUT IT PROBABLY WORKS JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE

---

I didn’t mean to be mean
when I told Erika you probably don’t need sunglasses
with a forehead like that
I meant to be precise

I am projecting because I think my eyes stink

I mean sink
more each day
past my skull and inch toward my cerebrum

soon my eyes will be fully submerged

they will rotate 180
and I will see grey matter
dated and labeled
organized into
ascending
safes

Thanks For Everything, Plan B

the first bullet / i swallowed
/ in / that sixth floor / hotel room /
a cock / tail / of bicep & / bone
/ went down / smooth / as mini bar /
vodka / did not ask / my name
/ only if he could take / off /
his raincoat / only / if he could
/ come / inside / (yes / yes) /
the second / you / precious pearl
/ i cradled / in the back / pocket /
of my acid / wash / cutoffs
/ made the world feel / less /
like a waiting / room / less
/ like getting / your name /
called / but not / hearing / it
/ O / seed / of ungrowth / you /
must be / a woman / the way
/ you understand / empty /
how / you wreck / to protect
/ your no / your not / now /
at the ultralounge / after
/ sarah's abortion / she asked /
what / you taste like / nothing
/ futures / like the grass /
is greener / on every side

No Results Found

The barista at the shop with the most tolerable coffee

in town is like hi how are you? *wink* and I’m like idk

my sweater has a cupcake on it so good I guess 

and he’s like it also has a cherry on top *wink wink* 

Before turning on the grinder he says let me start her up 

do you want room for cream or should I fill it all the way? 

*WINKKK* and I really wish I jumped him

dark roasted his beans into a perfect shot of burn & choke 

like can’t a girl order a small blonde blend in peace? 

In case you were wondering the word for heaps 

of headless women falling spread-legged from a man’s maw 

is women. The word for keeping the knees of my mouth together 

like a good little bitch is also women is also Maybelline Baby Lips 

Moisturizing Lip Balm is also soft, pink, your steak cooked 

how you like it, bikini line waxed with obedience. 

Look up the word cunnilingus on thesaurus dot com 

and you will find

     no results found
     did you mean [        ]?

Today

i woke up & the sky was like wooooow congratulations
here’s a cloud that sort of looks like it’s spelling out snoop dogg.
today i dropped it like it was burning because it was.

today i watched a child wail at the grocery store
because he was too big to sit in the shopping cart
& i was like i know right? today i used a knife
to slice the hunger it was intended for & nothing else.
today my bills are past due. today i have a mailbox
for them to keep each other warm in. today you texted me
& i turned into the emoji with hearts for eyes.
today my heart has eyes and they are open.
today i turned down a street that shares my father’s name
& i’m sorry my heart had to see that. today
is his birthday but the candles are already blown out.
today i dumped salt into the bowl instead of sugar.
today the doctor made a list of options & none
of them included time. today whiskey. today tequila,
kahlúa, the nips in the trunk from new year’s eve.
today greg got so drunk he ordered a bud light
at the wendy's drive-thru. today we pulled forward
to the next window. today i’m not sure
what the weather forecast will be but there is one
so it’s not all darkness. today [insert uplifting quote
by “unknown” here]. today the light turned yellow
& i slowed down. today you said my name & i heard you.

Aliens Exist

I left my baby in the back of a Blink-182 song. If you looped and stretched a pop punk song like 80 times you could have a drone masterpiece. Every genre should have a drone counterpart. Books should, or they already did, and that's called conceptualism. Do you think Blink-182 is good horseback riding music though? I could canter. Explanation is information. Worshipper Rips Out Both Eyes In Mass With His BARE HANDS. My roommate hasn't paid the utility bill in 3 months and we've just been casting about with military-grade glowsticks. It's funny because it's true. You can see the neon from the outside. Maybe someone will think it's a signal. Are The Streets of Washington, D.C. Supposed To Form A Pentagram? I can feel the pendulum pitting my stomach. Hairline fractures are in style. I felt a jolt when I realized I was gonna look back on this as A Memory. then I skittered back into the warmdark haze. Aliens, those were one of Lisa Frank's motifs, right? Apart from everything else she excelled in making things outsize. I do, too. Aliens with sloth or gorilla eyes. Fear as a praxis. Fear as a mediating principle. Fear for president! NASA Whistleblower: Alien Moon Cities Exist. Did you say this was a no flex zone or a no fly zone? There is a finite amount of dust in the universe and you're just displacing it when you dust. Dust dust, lol. Nostalgia is a gauzy medium. Bad people who taught me good things. It's about having a worldview that internally justifies itself. Daisy-chaining your way into coherence. Malevolence is banal. How To Survive Falling From A Plane. How dare you detain my friend for wearing a Jenny Holzer t-shirt. He won't read this. I have sources from the government. I have informants wearing Big Dogs t-shirts. These Big Dog Colors Don't Run. My brain in an oil rig. One Nation Under Drones. Bring lawyers, guns, and money. Seriously, what the fuck is catnip. Who are we? Where are we going? How do we communicate with you? And yea, the gates of hell will slowly open, and who among you will consider yourself unfit to enter. FBI's Newest Gang Threat: Insane Clown Posse Fans. They place the conspiracy, just like 9/11. Quote from Blink-182 New Album 2014: "Tom cared more about searching for UFO's than making music with the world famous blink-182" (end quote). With the world famous blink-182. With the world-famous blink-182. Starcraft. Storycraft. Babycore. Decamp for Detroit. Can someone turn me into a building? Or a lunchbox? Please take this case more serious and stop being ignorant to the law of universe...this is a warning. I walked in the wrong direction once and got upset. To be sure, there are people with hobgoblins in their heads. Strange times, Mister Jones. Strange times indeed.

Passivity In The Face Of
with Dakota Parobek

The doors were thrown open
(I had never seen them like that)
I slid into the dirt
Slid out of your grasp
Remember the first time
you didn’t show up at something
that someone you cared about
cared about.
This fight is about
who gets to set the terms
of this fight.
Now, feel negligible.
Now, zero.
Listen,
our arms are a mirror image
of the other’s arms when
we put them around the other
and rub the shoulder blades
Now, our
arms are dressing room mirrors.
The steering wheel
rotates eight
thousand degrees and yr car
wins the fight w/ the tree. The car
wins the fight with the bike.
The road wins
the fight with
the wrist.

You are brütal.
:/
You are brütal.

(
I put an umlaut on the
U’s so you don’t know
I am fucking serious
I am a dressing room
clothing-hook
while curled gnawed bangs
& the hanger holds my face.
I am scared when I feel nothing
when you called me on the train.
)

Wounded
with Tracy Dimond

You have to capture the scene
before it slips back under concrete.
Here’s to strange rooms and blood
that sludges out with no place in mind.
It’ll teach you how to walk among
the basement dwellers; how to grab
at the unknowns with vigor; how to hold
together among the spider web cracks.
Today feels marigolds & daisies, baby.
Fits of citrus feeling, all uncut wood/
ungodly twinge—figure it out in the corners
of you. Keep saying your name into the mirror.
Summer socks hold nervous tapping,
you leave out my nickname.
I’m still counting the time as evidence
that we will walk into a room of butterflies.
Mariposa: your face slackens, molten gold mouth
spilling constancy. Show up burning,
or leave us with a spark.

Eulogy for a Friend by Howie Good

I was Googling how to write a resume when I learned that a friend had vanished, weighed down by her hair. At the memorial service her incomplete collection of state flowers was briefly on display. Music streamed from microcomputers hidden among the attendees. It must have been Bach, the palest blues sung by man. The eulogist, a horse-faced Brit with a plummy accent, recited eight explosive facts about orgasms. No one but me seemed to think it strange that beneath our chairs the rats just went on building their maze.

</br>

Urgent Care by Howie Good

The young X-ray tech wears her hair short like Joan of Arc. She says, "Just do what the machine says." Is this real? The machine says in not an impolite voice, "Breathe in and hold your breath." It’s precisely the sort of difficulty that appeals to generals and kings. Nearby but out of sight a woman meets the man who received her dead brother’s face. Oh, if only I could get a pretty accomplice to slip over the border with me!